Tag: loss

Laura’s Weekly Song Challenge

Photo by Aaron Schwartz on Pexels.com

Song that best defines Memorial Day, in my opinion:

A Soldier’s Prayer

Song with war in the title:

Soundtrack song in a movie with a War Theme:

This version is apart of the soundtrack for American Sniper, detailing the heroic life of
Chris Kyle
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Trauma

The trauma was like lidocaine;

Numbed the feeling of pain.

She walked through the motions,

Without expectations and notion,

To be happy again, or the

Belief this nightmare will end.

One foot followed the other,

One day after another.

Then it happened,

The pain felt less,

She had less mess.

She decided to go out,

Walk out and about.

She met a few friends,

And felt interested again.

Healing process takes time,

Most of all, for the mind.

Dainty by Day, Nightmare by Night.

Photo Credit: Roger Mosley Pixabay

She smiles..

And the sweetest of laughs passed through her lips.

Beauty, strength, and wisdom, she wore every

with elegance and grace.

Mingling among her company, she best

exemplifies the power of the mind.

When she found herself isolated, and the night

greeted her,

Her inner storm grew with dangerous fury.

The depth of her pain was inconceivable,

Nights she laid awake, fetal position and

sobbing with anguish.

Frustrated by the betrayal, she hid nothing of her

Heart.

When the grief diminished, rage set in and the

darkness of her soul ate the exquisite feast.

Written for The Haunted Wordsmith’s The Daily Writing Challenge.

Today’s Joy

Today’s joy has been a bit of a challenge. I’m coming down with the flu, along with having such a broken spirit. I’m trying though; and some days, that’s enough.

    My biggest joy today was ordering Christmas gifts for my girls. I know the holiday isn’t about gifts, but I’m thankful for what I could buy.
    I also spent quality time with my older daughter.
    The weather was comfortable.

Four Days Since

We structure our lives around “time”. Since Jesus’ day, humans have been doing this. He says, in Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

To every thing there is a season,
          
and a time to every purpose under the heaven:
          
A time to be born, a time to die;
          
a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
          
A time to kill, and a time to heal;
          
a time to break down, and a time to build up;
          
A time to weep, and a time to laugh;
          
a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
          
A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together;
          
a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
          
A time to get, and a time to lose;
          
a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
          
A time to rend, and a time to sew;
          
a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
          
A time to love, and a time to hate;
          
A time of war, and a time of peace.

Time… the center of all that operates, finishes, begins, and exists….

In life, there are moments, we all have expierenced: birthdays, school, losing teeth, learning to walk.

Other moments appear in most of our timelines: graduation, driving, marriage, children.

Time is the constant change, ironically the very thing we pray will

Stop when life feels wonderful…

Be forgettable when moments are uncomfortable…

Hurry when we’re eager…

Slow down when we desire….

As if we’ve ever had control of its infinite existence and fulfilling purpose.

We didn’t create life, in the terms of ” in the beginning”. We never decided how life reproduces, species adapt, animals appear. We weren’t given such control.

Considering our mortal imperfections, I am relieved such is true. Never do I wish to hold the responsibility of which all things weave together in life’s dance.

Having said that, then, I must be patient and allow it to do what’s meant for me. I must trust it, in the intentions it has, for my wellbeing. I must live it, now… Because, it doesn’t stop, and it won’t slow down. I must use it in such a way that means something, because those individuals are who we remember… Because love is the ONLY that conquered death.

I have been lost, in past memories, quite a bit the last several days. Some days logic kicked my ass with the facts. Time after time after time…. (Fill in the blank). Unfortunately, this phrase comes with a list. Sucks! They’re truths, though. I had to accept them. I had to change it.

Other days, I’m lost in reasons why I miss him. Moments of intimacy and delicious closeness. His presence was lacking. That was the number one issue.

Time is stirring all of this, showing me signs, revising my vision of myself, refueling my heart and soul… And revealing clarity in the form of wisdom. None of this can happen if I don’t be patient…

Pain is uncomfortable, but so is being mistreated and neglected. Four days later, I do feel a bit more strength. I feel growth and faith.

I’m trusting my process

Time is on my side.

Where

Where’s the place you put the pieces of a broken heart?

Where’s the bottle that attempts to hold all the tears you cry?

Where’s the comfort when everything you are reminds you of him?

Where’s the happiness when you can’t even breathe?

Where’s the love I deserved, and was neglected?

Where’s the arms that I needed and weren’t there for me?

Where’s the eyes that couldn’t wait to see me, every time you see me?

Where’s my best friend, who listens when I have a bad day?

Where’s my confidant, when I need to vent?

There’s entirely too many questions….

Walking

Credit attached

I’m in a new season of life. I don’t feel strong; I don’t feel emotionally capable of sounding ok or writing about all the positivity I have been. The very idea of positivity sounds patronizing to me right now…. But I’m just hurting…. And with hurt comes grief and anger.

What’s going on?

I’m walking… In an opposite direction, alone. I don’t want to, and I don’t know how long I’ll feel this way. I do know that the road feels bleek. The ugliest shades of winter and gray, overcast and cold. Sounds so depressing just to think about. I hope along the way, a front porch light turns on, and a friend will welcome me in. That won’t erase my reality, but it will brighten it.

Walking away is difficult, or everyone would be doing it… Ha, then we’d all look like the apocalypse with aimless wonderers contesting normality and questioning sanity. If that were the case, at least we’d keep each other out from traffic.

I’m walking in the opposite direction, because I’m not happy. I’m walking in the opposite direction because change won’t come unless I make it. I’m walking in the opposite direction in hopes that my message is loud and clear, even if I’m not certain what that is, or if there’s one or multiple.

I am intelligent. I know patterns define the character of a person. I know that I feel heavy, with sadness, rage, confusion, and a million questions. How could I expect myself to walk any road with all of that? Why would I? What’s the point? Life wasn’t made to be lived in such a condition.

Truths are staring me in the face, and they’re painful. It’s a part of life we all expierence, some of us on multiple occasions. I’ve read that pain doesn’t stop until you learn the lesson. That makes sense. The lessons right now are pivotal to my happiness. The truths in what I’m expierencing are evident to me, and quite possibly only me. It’s up to me to stop the insanity… So I changed directions and started walking.

Denial

I thought that if I acted like it didn’t matter, it wouldn’t. No one warned me; I never saw the sign… It comes back stronger, three times fold, with every effort to resist.

The reminders are everywhere. Friends no longer stop and say hello. They don’t know how to handle it, making eye contact, knowing what they know.

The store window where we met; the diner of our first date. I can’t escape the taunting ruthlessness. I had visited the studio where we recorded our love album, and I felt I could physically feel your presence.

You’ve only been gone six months, but, even now, the wound is so raw.. there isn’t a safety scab or a bandaid capable of taking off any edge of this.

I thought if I could put you out of my mind, and act like it didn’t matter, that it wouldn’t…

But, denial is only the first stage in the process of grieving.

Photo Credit: pixel
Photo Credit: Pixel

Prompt inspired by Promptuarium

Daily Writing Challenge: (3TC)

Daily Writing Challenge hosted by The Haunted Wordsmith

3TC: hope, love, lost

This word combination is ironically the entire purpose of living…

Hope is that which we want. It’s belief in something yet to happen, but that we feel can and will happen… A great job, an answered prayer for a loved one, a passing grade on a test, an acceptance into the first college of choice.

At some point, we all hope for the attention of an individual of which we find attractive. We hope this individual looks our direction, and finds us attractive in return. It’s a funny experience, jumbled words and internal butterflies. Sheepish smiles and all that doesn’t make sense about love.

Sometimes, our hope becomes our reality. The love between two individuals blossoms more vibrant days, lovey dovey unexpected office deliveries, and tons of time… Not sleeping.

With hope, comes love, but the garuntee is… With love comes loss. Life ends, tournaments end, holidays end, childhood ends…. Everything does. It’s the inevitable. Life begins to end the moment we’re born… One second at a time… Slowly, it passes and it’s incapable of returning.

Some people acknowledge that, and spend time making the very best of every moment. Others don’t see or consider a bigger picture. Maybe they’re drug addicts and can only focus on that short-term fix. Unfortunately, such lifestyles exist too. Either way, what we love… We eventually lose.

TRAUMA creates a change within the brain. It’s a segment of thoughts that get stuck in a certain period of time. Real life can trigger such memories, and the individual must manage the experience. Loss is painful.

Pain stops many people from living… And feeling. There’s several reasons why this happens; but, that’s irrelevant. At this point, then, the individual lives life in their loss.

He or she won’t allow him/herself to grow an attachment. He or she won’t allow anyone to be too close or in too deep. He or she may refuse to allow much to matter, at all.

When there’s no love, no passionate for more.. no belief or desire to achieve in life… Because existing is merely going through the motions… There’s no hope. There’s nothing to lose because nothing was gained. There’s no additional pain because there was no attachment.

I’ve seen both of these chain of events. I have loved ones who’ve been in one or the other… And I’ve tried to help them heal.

The order of which these happen is determined by what any one individual sees at any point in life… And only they can change their course.

Daily Writing Challenge #14

Daily Writing Challenge #14

https://thehauntedwordsmith.wordpress.com/2018/10/14/daily-writing-challenge-14/
— Read on thehauntedwordsmith.wordpress.com/2018/10/14/daily-writing-challenge-14/

I love this challenge because it’s providing a selection of entry options. Having given so, it opens the door to so many more writers. Kudos rewarded✨!

#BeThe1To Suicide Awareness

This is a tough subject… But, especially for those of us who’s lives have been impacted by it. That percentage is probably higher than we think.

The why’s, what if’s, should’ve… The mind doesn’t stop. For days.. Endlessly in manic mode until anxiety is wrapped around the throat.. And you feel officially crazy.

It sucks..but, what that individual felt before ending his/her life is even more so horrific… Because they felt their pain was more than any solution could fix.

September is Suicide Awareness Month. Right now, we can make a difference. We can ask questions and actively listen. We can hug and hold someone who’s hurting. We can encourage someone to seek help. Right now, though we won’t save them all, we CAN DO something to positively impact a situation… That may result in a different outcome.

The American Veterans struggle with PTSD. Other individuals struggle with CPTSD. Anxiety and Depression rates are high. There’s lots of situations that place dangerously high levels of stress on an individual and his/her family.

Here is the Suicide Prevention Website

I’m going to keep this topic for September. I would hope if you are upset with this, you’d scroll on past me;)

Spread Kindness against Bullying

  1. News Coverage of Jamel’s Story
  2. Donations Page

The Endless Circle

Plants bloom and wilt. Babies are born, and people die. Structures go up, and buildings are torn down. The cycles in life seem to be continuous. In some instances, unfortunately, the cycle stops. Species of animals and plants become extinct.

Imagine how these cycles would look if each participated with his/her own best interest at heart. How different would this world be if honey bees just decided not to pollinate. How ugly would this planet look if trees and grass, flowers, and water didn’t work together and provide for one another? What if the sun just stopped turning, and we were stuck in mid-darkness!

The concept of give and take for the balance of a greater good can also be found in scripture.

Proverbs 11:18; “A wicked person earns deceptive wages,but the one who sows righteousness reaps a sure reward.”

2 Corinthians 9:6; “The point is this: whoever sows sparingly will also reap sparingly, and whoever sows bountifully will also reap bountifully.”

Luke 8:4-18; “And when a great crowd was gathering and people from town after town came to him, he said in a parable: “A sower went out to sow his seed. And as he sowed, some fell along the path and was trampled underfoot, and the birds of the air devoured it. And some fell on the rock, and as it grew up, it withered away, because it had no moisture. And some fell among thorns, and the thorns grew up with it and choked it. And some fell into good soil and grew and yielded a hundredfold.” As he said these things, he called out, “He who has ears to hear, let him hear.”

All these examples teach one very important lesson, and it’s this concept humans have seemingly forgotten.

What you: exert, reap, and give to this world.

You will: gain, sow, and be given from this world.

Why do I say, we must have forgotten such a virtue? This thought continues in the next blog.

Day One

Prompt: Am I more like my dad or my mom?

Honestly, I don’t know that I’m more like either. When I was born, my mother had 3 children (one was my twin lol) already, and too much stress. My younger sister was born less than two years later. She was overwhelmed, and she moved to Virginia.

Meanwhile, my siblings and I were placed “into the system”, and the craziness of my childhood began. I don’t remember my mom. I didn’t know my dad.

I do know my mother was strong though. She cared for several children on her own. She maintained her life without family support or her husband, while pregnant (multiple times!). She gave us up so we could have a better life.

She was selfless… resilient… and I admire her for that. I know I follow her in those aspects.

This Picture

I had lost thirteen pounds in two weeks. I was rudely awakened by the general consensus regarding others and my need to talk (they didn’t hear me!). I was isolated from a support system, most friends, professional help, and usually the general public. My anxiety astronomically skyrocketed because there was too much unknown. Not only that but there was absolutely NO consistency! I had terrible stomach pains, didn’t sleep much, drank entirely too much coffee…. and made myself feel crazy while “waiting”. The one ray of hope I THOUGHT I had, …. turned out to be a wolf in sheeps clothing. This was the life I had chosen for myself, a life most would’ve abandoned way sooner.

I’m not in that particular “time” any longer, though the aftermath lingers. Being single feels super lonely. I just invested 14 months submitting to a dominant… Now, if you’re not familiar with this lifestyle, please Google it. Needless to say, the submission is completely voluntary because in return, her needs (both in and outside the bedroom) are met. That’s how it’s “suppose” to happen.

Being single means alone… Sleeping, out to eat, nights, weekends, Netflix and Chill, every minute. Sure it’s healthy to be content with being alone. It’s necessary for such time, as well. Trust me, I understand that. There were too many instances over this time when I felt I should’ve had my boyfriend and I didn’t. He wasn’t there to hold me when I didn’t feel good. He wasn’t there to give me a hug when life felt too overwhelming. He wasn’t there to talk and work out our confrontations. He just wasn’t present.

With all of that being said, this was and is the man who’s had the greatest place in my heart. I looked for hope with us. I looked for change, for improvement. I felt that if I saw growth, we were headed in the right direction.

What direction was that?… And this is the error in this whole mess… The direction towards future tense picture of us. He and I were always talking about what we can do now to get to where we want to be. Now, that sounds like what a serious couple should be doing right? That’s something most couples do, and it should be a good sign… But, here’s the problem… Our current life wasn’t how we wanted it, so our goals were rather short term… We were working on this together… Hell, I thought we were even good as to being on the same page! This picture of us was constantly front and center! It’s how we always did it.

The beginning of this year, all that I knew life to be for him and I stopped… Abruptly…

And I wasn’t ready.

Continue reading “This Picture”

#6… (harder to do) I need your Help

This day couldn’t have ended fast enough. Some days will be like that, and I’ll really find it difficult to see what made/makes me happy.

Continue reading “#6… (harder to do) I need your Help”

One Cup @ a Time

There’s been lots of talk about suicide in the recent news. When it’s a celebrity who’s passed, the subject receives a great deal of spotlight. Unfortunately, most deaths aren’t of that status… To Me, these lives matter just as much!! Did you know though, that since 1999, the rate of death by suicide has increased by 30%?! According to the National Institution of Mental Health, and the Center for Disease Control and Prevention, WISQARS Leading Causes of Death Reports in 2016, nearly 44,000 individuals felt death was his/her only option.

Thankfully, I’m not the only one who values us everyday citizens. This past week, while surfing through Facebook, I came across an incredibly inspiring video. The page is called Well-Rounded Life. The particular video I watched was about a coffee shop, in the Big City of Chicago. The staff addresses every individual as “friend”. The conversations are that of mental heath issues, and the customers receive guidance as to where to seek help, as well as listening from someone who genuinely cares. This coffee shop isn’t licensed in any form of professional mental health services; however, that doesn’t stop them from extending grace to those who are hiding the invisible scars.

I was deeply touched by this story, as I’ve lost a loved one to suicide. I find that a gesture such as this, is the small change in the lives of many, that will begin a positive rippling affect. My hope is that others in the United States, where 123 suicides occur on a daily bases, will follow this incredible example of restored humanity. It doesn’t take a degree to listen. We aren’t expected to receive a college education to give time to an individual who’s hurting. Kindness costs absolutely nothing, but it makes a world of difference.

For the Sip of Hope Coffee Bar, change is happening one cup at a time! That my friends, sounds like a sweet freshly brewed cup of awesomeness to me!

#WATWB (We are the World Blogfest) entry ☕️☕️

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You are worthy of Love💗

https://bustle.app.link/8XQV11cnDN A New Report Shows How Much The Rate Of Death By Suicide Has Risen In The U.S.

Every…

Single…

Time…

This unfortunate, gruesome, heart-throbbing, and instantaneously devastating event occurs: my heart breaks. I have the dark black massive scary monsterous cloud shadow me..

I’ve been in a position in life, with suicidal tendencies. I chose to LIVE!

For countless others, living didn’t seem worth it. 💔 SINCE the day I began my life, (years after birth, but too private and painful to elaborate on.) I’ve met many people who have attempted it… And failed. They were men…

In 2014, just barely a shy of a week post my birthday, suicide killed apart of me.. Taking a man who I needed, but more importantly, OUR daughter needed.

To blame in this situation is pointless, but oh there’s lots of that. It’s easier, focusing on the anger that takes place in the grieving stages. What’s REALLY the root of our anger though? Their “selfishness”? Our “selfishness” because we no longer have them and our lives are no longer comfortable? Their lack of “effort to seek help”? Our “lack of effort” in giving our time to listen and enjoy them? I don’t think there’s ever one reason… And really, none of them will change what’s happened.

At my husband’s funeral, I was in a trance. My eyes hurt, my anxiety was off the charts… and what did I have? A toddler, a dead husband, and a hate fan club with 1500 members and growing. Blaming me for his death, many who knew my husband judged me. It felt horrific. I needed loved. I needed empathy. I needed to feel I was going to be ok.

I had to recover on my own. No one could do it for me, no matter what was or wasn’t said unsaid did or not done. It was MY life… my mental health. I was a mother. She needed to see life was still ok. She needed her childhood, her innocence.

Depression and anxiety, loss and grief, pain and emotions are almost forbidden in “most” men at a very early age. It’s not manly to cry.. it’s a sign of weakness. The military trains the mind to break, and rebuild with a sense of inhumanity…. War… PTSD Veterans come home and try their damndest to return to normality. And they struggle… and struggle… some with homelessness… and hunger… and no financial stability… with flashbacks that rob them of sleep… and anxiety attacks that mutilate their sense of peace…

Single men have no health insurance, many with child support bills, and jobs that don’t pay shit. That’s reality for some men in America… that’s terrible!

The statistics in this article aren’t shocking if we sit and think about the set up of this country. They’re not shocking if we sit and consider every mass shooting in our lifetime. Mental health is a serious issue in this country. Duh, we see it (if we choose too)…

Writing up articles are bringing the little voices in our hearts to front and center, ruffling feathers of comfort for those who look the other way….

BUT, …. what does it solve? Is that not the goal, to bring awareness and take action? The Dr in this particular article was spot on. I admired his blunt honesty. He said empathize! He said we need to communicate with each other and listen to what’s being said. Sometimes, individuals just want to know they’re not invisible, left with a mountain of shit on their backs to carry for all of eternity.

It’s time my friends, to make change to our world. We’re killing each other and we’re killing ourselves. We’re killing innocent children, who rely on us for protection. We’re killing the hope in humanity, and the beauty of living. It’s time for you and me to stop that … to decide today, that we’re not going to contribute any longer to the insanity whirlwind that’s taken so many of our loved ones. It’s time we choose to Love again!! Open your heart to someone… break the chains weighing you down by entrusting someone with your burdens… because I can promise you, you won’t be a burden to them. And to others, Open your heart to listen… and to hug someone. They NEED human contact! They’re carrying around too much… you just may save their life!!

 

I have a blog, entitled Lost & Found, Written precisely about this subject. It’s carrying my heart of when my husband died. I hope all I’ve written helps you… and that

EACH of YOU know I’m here…. if you need someone to talk to.

 

With Much Much Love,

Brandy