Tag: anxiety

Invisible illness

Falling,

Escalating anxiety,

Faster, faster and faster.

Sweating,

Heart racing,

Faster, faster, and faster.

Tingling,

Hyperventilating,

Faster, faster, and faster.

Gasping,

Panic attacking,

Unexpectedly.

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Urgent Request: Update

I’m asking for continued prayer please.

His condition hasn’t changed, although we do know minimal swelling and no neuro damage.

I’m needing prayer to keep the irrationality of my anxiety at bay. I need to be hopeful and strong in my faith.

Thank you so much everyone 🦋🌺

My Mental Health Journey 7×2

It’s been hours since I’ve heard the news, and I don’t feel any better. I actually feel worse.

He’s unconscious because of a concussion. The thought of him like that breaks my heart.

My chest has physically hurt, all day. That could be because I’ve been alone, in my apartment, all day.

I’ve struggled with feeling a sense of belonging in his life, because he doesn’t remember me before last November. I question if I do have a right to know how he’s doing, or if I’m right where I should be. Not because I don’t love him, but because he doesn’t remember much of me. It’s all terribly painful. I feel I’ve invested so much into him that I deserve and should get updates, that these recent feelings are insecurities… But I also want what’s best for him… And I want to be a good impact, a healthy choice for him.

Then my car, guys, yesterday morning, I nearly lost control of it twice. My breaks started grinding when I went in reverse recently, so I knew I needed to make an appointment to have an alignment done. I didn’t have enough money so I was going to barrow some from my bf.

Meanwhile, while waiting for the funds to transfer, I’m going down the highway, and my wheels wanted to take my car to the right… Rather than straight. I don’t know if the rain made it lose traction or what, but I haven’t moved it since.

All of this has happened at once… And me in my head is making my chest hurt more by the second. Sure I’m positive I’ll have enough to get my car fixed, I’m almost positive my boyfriend will be released with minimal issues…

But, right now, I just need people to tell me, you’re not alone. Breathe, hey listen to my day, just distract me with conversation or reassurance that everything WILL be ok.

I need that right now…. Not likes. Thank you all. 🌸💖

My Mental Health Journey 7

Some days I’m not going to feel like myself. When half of my soul is not doing well, and hospitalized, how can I possibly feel completely myself.

Being HSP and an Empath, I’m physically capable of ” sensing” what others do. With him, it’s a STRONG pull… And it’s exhausting!

Soulmate is the word our society uses ever so lightly. Marriage vows often define the cost of the wedding, designer of the dress, and signatures on paper… It’s not a sanctified union anymore.

But when you’re someone like me, and you love someone beyond anything understandable to human life, because such is everything most couldn’t ever feel… Then, you sit, and pray like you’ve never prayed before.

I’m not ok today. I’m exhausted. For some time, my life has been chaos… Sickness, hospital visits, puke, bitchy school staff, inconsiderate neighbors, pain in the ass car…

It’s just me dealing with all this. I’m paralyzed to do much, because my anxiety nearly has me consumed to my oversized chair. I may try and sleep.

It’s not what I’d prefer to be doing right now, but the temporary comfort of warmth and coziness would be nice. It’s just me here at home, right now. Though I have many thing I COULD be doing, I don’t want to.

Please continue to pray for my boyfriend. I’m hoping there was little to no damage done and that he is released soon. Thank you.

It’s OK to not be okay, sometimes. Today, I’m not ok.

My Mental Health Journey 2

Shared this via @MightyApp and I haven’t recieved the support I needed.

Again, I’m sharing my bits of Mental Health Journey. As much as I advocate for Healthy & Self -Care, I’m human. I’ll have low days, and days when I struggle to feel positive and at peace. Believe it or not, today was one of those days.

Here’s what I posted on the app:

Today’s Sunday, the day most spend with family. My boyfriend had ” brunch” with his. Sounds lovely, right?! It is…
But here’s more of the back story…
I’m not all that included in his family. Part of it is he’s super cautious whom he brings around his children. The other part is he only knows about 5 months of me, from the 2 1/4 years we’ve been together.
He began having seizures last fall. He had a quick surgery, in his temporal lobe… Where the memory bank is located. It seemed once he came out of surgery and back to his life, I’m the one he forgot… Of those who mattered most, anyway.
I’ve struggled BEYOND COMPREHENTION with trying to ” start over and relearn” him.
Anyway, Sundays are suppose to be wonderful days of family, I am trying my hardest to be patient and believe he’ll naturally begin to include me, but today I’m just struggling. I never want him to feel guilty or obligated. I never want sympathy for my life… I just want to belong.. And to belong with him and his family. I want all of us, me and my two, him and his kids.. All of us. It’s what I hope for.
#CheckInWithMe  #heartbreak  #Depression  #Epilepsy#Anxiety  #MightyTogether  #CheckInWithMe  #Grief#Sadness  #sad  #hurting  #tears  #mighty  #Prayer#struggling

Thank you for simply listening!

25 Lifestyle Strategies to Heal Adrenal Fatigue

Here are a few info graphs from Dr. Jockers article on Adrenal Fatigue. Many strategies are ones an individual can use for self care. It’s no wonder how these walk hand -in -hand. I believe this is what I feel, most of the time. These are some strategies I’d definitely recommend! You can read the entire article by clicking the hyperlink above.

Natural Defenses

Our ID, Ego, and Super Ego, when facing overwelming anxiety, alarm defense mechanisms in our subconscious. They help ” ward off” the pain. Often times they’re involuntary.

It’s incredible what our bodies naturally do. The more we understand, the healthier we can live.

The website I looked through on defense mechanisms can be found here!

Have you expierenced any of these?

Won the Battle

Written for Go Dog Go Cafè’s: Tuesday’s Writing Prompt 02/12/2019

Today’s prompt:  

Today I challenge you to write a poem called an “elfchen.”  I was introduced to these little poems by poets on Instagram.  I find them challenging yet fun to write. An elfchen is an 11 word poem written in 5 lines— Line 1=1word,  Line 2=2words,  Line 3=3words, Line 4=4 words,  Line 5 =1 word.  Lines 1 and 5 should not be the same word.  

The fun in this challenge on Instagram is when you are tagged by someone, you must start your poem using that person’s LAST word as your FIRST.  Today I give you 3 elfchens written my me.  You may use the last word of any of the poems to start yours.

Stronger,

Resilient, Wise.

She has won.

The battle: her mind.

Warrior.

I challenge these 3 individuals to write an “ elfchen”. You can use the last word of mine OR begin one of your own. Please create a Pingback to this post.

I am not ok

Right now, I’m not ok.

You ever feel such a way and can’t shake it?

I’m sad. My tears are easily triggered. I’m pissy and don’t know why.

I don’t want to take this out on anyone, so that means isolated and left in my thoughts.

Yuck. This is really the first time this year, I’ve felt this way. I’m not sure how to combat it.

Is anyone feeling some weird way, or am I just the lucky one?

Reality

Being honest, real, and open is my first step toward healing. When I reference “healing”, I mean from any degree of pain, in any area of health, within my life.

Allowing pain to teach me has only blossomed my character, and it’s prevented repeating occurrences of the same issue. I’m open minded to such teaching, because I refuse to decay into this crippling, bitter, and lonely woman who takes life for granted.

My reality right now, is I’m not OK. I’m heartbroken. I’m cold. I’m an emotional mess. My heart can’t handle any more hurt. I battle depression…. I do so much more successfully, though.

This is when my mental health journey began.

Since, I’ve grown by leaps and bounds. Right now, self care, is pivotal… But, so is accepting not being OK. If I can’t accept what is, I will never be anything more.

Transparency

She sat and looked at her. There was such a sad aura about her, pale color, disinterested gaze. Her hair went black, her clothes now heavy with chains and buckles, weighing her to the ground. She chose dark nail color, thick eye liner, a blank “Fuck Off” stare. She has stuffed away her pink and bows, and she’s replaced it with an exterior to match her pain. 

It was four years ago, her brother had enlisted into the Air Force. She wasn’t as close to him as she would’ve liked, but this was still her older brother. Did he really want to join   the military? She was doubtful; he hasn’t mentioned nor displayed such a passion before his enlisting. There he was, September 11, 2001, he was to aboard a plane and leave Ohio in the dust. 

Al Quida had different plans for him that day; shit, they had such for everyone breathing, that day . They were aware of the comfortable complacency and weakened division among the US citizens and their government. Neither here nor there, her brother didn’t arrive at boot camp for another two weeks. 

Little did she realize, eight weeks into her brother’s basic training, her life was changed forever. He wasn’t ready to obey his commanding officer. He wasn’t ready to obey rules of the US Government. He wasn’t mature enough to handle the responsibilities in the shoes of the military. She realize that ; she didn’t fault him entirely. 

The ball started downhill, rolling faster and faster, until it suffocated her. The thoughts that kept her up stole every desire within her. The night hours laughed at her fear, flamed her anger, and destroyed her restful sleep. As the dawns rose, a swelling grew in her throat. She had to face the public, particularly her peers, as if everything was absolutely fine. 

Walking down the hallways, the colors blurred together. The sounds muffled, and it was as if  she had tunnel vision. Her palms were always sweaty, her focus was on fighting back tears, and against anger outbursts.

She began to journal on a more regular basis. She felt to much, to deeply to carry all within her mind. How was she, at just 14, expected to carry such an adult burden? How was she expected to “fake” herself as a “fine” individual when she wasn’t fine to begin with. She had no idea who she was to try and pretend she wasn’t. 

This pretty decent and well behaved girl grew into a mass ball of confusion, guilt, shame, bitterness, depression, anxiety, jealousy, envy, spite, and anger….. Before she was given the opportunities to decide for herself, who she was. 

She sat staring at her, as the transparency of her truth appeared on her tear stained cheeks. She’s been so strong…. For so long… Trying with everything within her mortal abilities to gain the acceptance of these horrendous people who begrudgingly adopted her and her syblings. She tried to obey every rule, learn from syblings mistakes, and be someone of which they were proud…

Tear after tear, unconscionable, salty, anguished and fresh. She couldn’t stop them. She didn’t want to any more. This precious young woman turned from the mirror, placed her face in her hands, and wept for herself. 

This life… Is all she knew and understood about being, and it had been hell for as long as she could remember. ” There has to be more than this!” She broke through her weakened lungs. 

Going Back to School 2018

Parents,

This year has been my very first experience with this part of parenting. Every year before, I’ve always felt annoyed with how “in your face” stores seemed to be about it. I suppose the hype from the ridiculous list contributed to my cause of irritability.

Today, while in Family Dollar, I pulled up that trusty ol School Supplies List… And I felt as if I just landed in Tibet! “What on earth type of pencil sharper? “, I mumbled to myself. “A tablet? Kindergarters have a tablet on the list” I explained in hysteria (little me.. In my head). I felt so new with the procedure of preparing my daughter for school.

I’d like to tell you that’s the end of the akward and anxiety this chapter of change has brought me, but it’s not. Getting the paperwork to enroll required me to drive to downtown Cleveland, to an area of which I’ve never been, and sign her up. I quadruple checked the night before that I had all the needed paperwork and then some! Thankfully, Zivah (Zee-v-Uh) {my older daughter} and I were in and out of there quickly.

Next came signing up for the choices of schools I’d want to her. Here, the parents have to choose several. Depending on previous students, students with incoming siblings, seats available (all the fun variables that work your nerves simply because it’s tedious), I had to wait and see if my first choice would offer her a spot…. And they did!

Whew, I was overwhelmed! I cried!!! I knew this setting, teaching style, and philosophy was exactly what Zivah needed. I knew here she’d blossom and actually enjoy learning….. But, with my excitement came more anxiety….

What about getting to school? Zivah has a 2 1/2 year old sister. We three would have to wake every morning, get dressed, eat and out the door by 8:30! That’s structured! I haven’t had an obligated schedule that structured since I was in school. Needless to say, the anxiety was taking over my breathing rather aggressively. I not only had another child, but my vehicle is picky come winter temperatures (as if three women with hormones isn’t enough)! What if my car wouldn’t start and I was out, trying to get Zivah and stranded… Who would I call? I mean, I was really psyching myself out. It was horrible 😦

I eventually found a bus schedule, rather easy to follow and safe for her to wait. I of course will take her some days, but the option of public service is a thousand pounds off my chest. (When I wasn’t worried about bus bullies, accidents, and shit!) Our schools even have a bus tracker feature in the parent portal so we know when the children arrive!

This whole experience has been exhausting, to say least (and I even left out the aspect of school uniforms shopping 🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️)! I’ve felt like I’ve been too exposed to society and change. I knew this was coming, but on any given day, there’s at least a zillion factors that could make something “new” feel like something “terrifying”! I really wanted a teacher friend, or a fellow parent, hell my momma, to talk to about everything. I feel I need reassuring that everything will be OK… And Zivah will do great in school. I haven’t had that… So, I’m reaching out to you all…

Asking simply for a hug! You don’t have to fix anything, nothings broken… You don’t have to suggest anything, I’ve gotten by,…. I just need some hugs so I can feel comfort of a safe and familiar place again.

Thank you 💙