You’re Going to Miss This

I never prepared myself for the emotions that this song resonates in my soul. The song I’m referencing is by the one and only Trace Adkins.

Years ago, this became a bridge between myself and my half sister. Her mother would hear it and think of us. We were the two in a hurry to get married, have kids, make all those adult decisions.

Fast forward to 2019, I’m going through the motions of Halloween… then Thanksgiving,… and Christmas. The holiday season was when the “ switch “ happened… from then to now.

During that time, I didn’t realize it; but, I remember that intuitive gut wrenching anguish like something huge was coming. I remember trying so hard to “ be ok”… to be present in the moment, so my daughters felt the innocence magic they deserved. When they’d get into bed, and I shut their bedroom door… I’d sigh … no more pretending… no more being strong… I would sit and be in my sadness and grief.

The changes started, and with it came more difficulty to swallow them. Not because I’m incapable of handling it. I know that I adapt to sudden change… but, maybe that’s why I’ve YET to fully accepted now. The changes were subtle… and they were often… always slowly creeping into my life… going without much notice.

Since last October, I’ve lost friends. I’ve lost a sense of familiarity. I’ve lost a nearly three year relationship. I’ve lost all sense of who I thought he was… because a slew of secrets had since surfaced. I’ve lost to distance… I’ve lost to conspiracy… to assumptions… to mandatory closure…. to noise…

I’ve lost so much to changes, that rode each other’s coat tail…. and it’s tonight that this realization crashed down on me.

When, my girls have gone to bed…

And the weather swings back to another extreme…

When my very best friend is unreachable….

And I question all sense of my ability to, first recognize, then, participate in a healthy relationship…. that I’m not even in.

When Strange Things plays on my tv, making a joke of my insanely unbelievable life ….

I sit exhausted… because writing had always been my emotional outlet… But tires my soul through this form of ” working through it “.

So, though I testify to God in His unwavering love and support, I admit that it’s not been easy. It’s been a conscious effort… An every-moment-of-every-day choice… To rise above and do ” what’s best “.

I’m human. My faith has no doubt been the very presence of God… but this is the “ ying” to the yang.

For now, Good Night WordPress.

Nova

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