There’s a million things that my heart feels right now. A piece of me wants to logout, close, and lock all that I publicize. The privacy of my eyes only makes life less overwhelming. Then again, it’s then that life has the biggest mountains. The challenges are harder. The lies are louder. I’m human; I’m meant to practice self care… But isolation is a dark and dreadful place.
Through the last few weeks, I’ve done my best to maintain a clean house, uphold parental responsibilities, conduct social normality and acceptable behavior, meet teacher expectations, and care for myself. It’s not been easy. My daughter’s art teacher emphasized her as potentially being sad because of when I pick her up. My younger daughter’s preschool teacher expressed concern that she talks to fast and is easily discourage therefore doesn’t follow through with simple directions. Both of these left me feeling like I’ve failed. Is that bullshit insecurities that should matter zero to me? Sure is. Is that the case? Oh hell no.
Meanwhile, my body is doing something extremely bogus, which has created additional fear and worry. I’ve been sore and irritable. I’ve been down and unable to feel joy… despite my efforts with consistent medication. Maybe it’s the birth control. Maybe stress. Maybe it’s something else…like pre-metopause. I know that with the holidays right around the corner, right now is NOT when I want to be worried about my health. Life’s so fragile, and so are my emotions. The last thing I need is sympathy and unnecessary worry.
My younger daughter hasn’t been feeling well. Her cough has been on going for a month now. I feel as soon as it’s nearly over, the weather decides to swing to the other end of the pendulum. She’s wakened me several nights with tears so that i’ll come and sit beside her. Her little world, crawlin back into bed… Momma sitting next to her bed, stroking her hair… reassuring her that everything will be ok. Providing that motherly nurturing is what she needs more than anything. So many people need that today, and don’t have it. I wish I had my momma.
With the holidays right around the corner, it’s a time of great grief for those who’ve lost (gosh that’s nearly everyone). Moms are meant to be here, one more laugh. One more genuine tight hug. One more call with advise on how to make the best apple pie. Dads are meant to be here so they can perfectly prepare the turkey, restock the firewood, slapping others on the back with a “You’ve done good boy!”.. Grandpas are meant to be here, chasing the kids, and cuddling for naps. Grandmas are the epitomy of love, mercy, and grace. There’s something angelic about their presence. God’s greatest gift.
There’s so many broken chains this holiday season. Families gather but won’t be the same as any year before. I have gone through my own spout of disheartening conversations about loss. The older my daughter gets, the more questions she has about her father. Children are suppose to be with their parents. Parents are suppose to LOVE their children. Parents are suppose to respect one another. There’s lots that’s suppose to be but isn’t.
Aside from the ugly and heavy, this world is so full of bright and beautiful. I’ve befriended a homeless man that has blessed my life. I feel God’s said, ” I want you to knowledge him and care for him, not because he needs you… but because it’s who you are.. and you need him just as much.” There’s so many people in this world. People who don’t have enough, can’t meet ends meat. There’s people who aren’t capable of doing what needs done. There’s opportunity after opportunity to give. That’s beautiful. Vance was a man I saw time and time and time and time again , standing with his buggy on the walkway of a busy road. Then, life changed that. My heart smiles every time I think of his humble acceptance of what I might be able to give. This past week, I was blessed to see him in the grocery store. … and he gave me such a warm hug. It made my day. He may never know it; but what I’m sure of is he’ll always know he matters to someone.
Another piece of good news I got this week was that my sister will be joining me this Thanksgiving. I haven’t seen my sister in years. I never realize how much I miss her until she’s near. My daughters both are so excited to see her. They’re just as goofy as she and I are together. I can picture we’re all together in the living room laughing over pizza and utter nonsense. Moments like that are what life’s all about. I can’t wait 😀
For now, I’m exhausted by all this emotion. HSP empaths extinguish fire with light and set rooms on fire just to provide light. Every ounce of what and who we are is the maximum effort we’re capable.
May blessings result in the publication of this piece.
With Love and Light: