Anxiety

525600 minutes in 365 days of a year…

In 1 of these minutes, in 1 of these days, I’m going to leave this earth. I’m going to breathe my last breath… and I’ll be gone.

Absolute, sudden, irreversible, permanent… Death will leave a blank space where I’ve eaten lunch, attended gatherings, lived, worked, wrote, where I shopped and visited. A void will settle in the lives of those who loved me… then guilt on the hearts of those who did me wrong and surely rejoice from the tongue of those who resent me.

In these living years, though I’ve struggled with some great challenges, I’ve forced myself to grow because of them. I’ve built a great sense of awareness. I’ve developed a deeper understanding of who I am, talents I have, and what I represent.

I’m still ” becoming” the best version of me. There’s no reason to quit… I’m still pulling apart situations and evaluating my behavior, my sensitive emotions, my personality type, my flaws, all the factors that could have munipulationed my behavior…

I do what’s necessary to understand… Especially when the situation is painful… That’s when I’m truest to myself. There’s no filter or veil.

Today, I made a decision, in such a situation. The decision was clear, what needed to happen.

Is it what I wanted? Yes and No. The days following this will be emotionally healthier for me. I handled this with maturity and self respect. I’ve placed myself as a priority, as I would my daughters if they were me.

I just know nothings going to change unless I change it… And I couldn’t remain where I was.

Change can be scary. It is full of unexplored territory that provides so much uncertainty. Though it’s uncomfortable, nothing is more unpleasant then being where you feel swallowed up by negativity and sadness.

So sure today was a victory day for me, but it makes me sad that people feel entitled to others rather than gifted my their presence.

I need a big hug.

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