Working on Us Week 8-9

This is a series that’s been created by Ms Beckie from Beckie’s Mental Mess.

Here’s where you can find the instructions to WEEK 8.

Here’s where you can find the instructions to WEEK 9.

I’ve been sick all week, and busy with life, that I haven’t been able to write on this lately. I thought I’d mesh these two together. (Beckie, hope that’s ok!).

Having lived with mild to severe anxiety and depression since 2001, I’ve had many victories of overcoming it. The greatest has most defiantly been overcoming suicidal tendencies, in 2005. The nightmare began four years prior, and I wasn’t ready for what I was about to endure. The hush hush of my family secrets tore my nights apart and stole much more than my peace of mind. My bedroom was the third, the top floor, of the house. It was a tall house, with a big backyard, hillside and lots of places to “hide”, if I wanted to pass in peace.

I spent most of my high school days proving myself worthy of my parents trust and respect, again (bullshit!). Most teenagers were sneaking out windows and illegally drinking with friends. Others my age were having sex and getting pregnant. That which my parents faced with me, was trivial in comparison. Furthermore, the issue at hand (as ridiculous as they are), couldn’t have been even more pathetic.

The last night I was in that house, my parents attempted to put their finger down one last time. To be honest, rightfully so, because, at that point in time, I straight up had no fucks left to give. I lied right to their faces. I did what I wanted. I rebelled like a professional. They tried to counteract that with more strict rules, and I was officially done.

I told my sister I was going to kill myself IF I didn’t leave. My intention was to take a steak knife ( I was on a rotating shift with dishes! I knew exactly which one i was going to use.) and use it. The harm wouldn’t have stopped with me, either. I knew my veins were screaming with adrenaline of destruction.

So I chose life…. and I gave that slogan a whole new meaning… It became my first and biggest victory.

Photo #1 for Week 8 is is a beautiful scene, with some greenery, in rain and sunlight.

This photo reminds me of the damper of anxiety and depression. It has moments of great heaviness, cold, gloom, downpour. It’s irritating when you’re caught in it, unexpectedly, without coverage. Soaked through and through, there’s no shelter, no place to think.. The anxiety is ruthless and relentless. The sunshine signifies the victory. It’s a break in the insanity of the endless grey and darkness. The sunshine is another resource that plants NEED, in order for nature’s complete balance. It’s not surprising that humans, also, need that break in the clouds. It’s our moments to regroup and breathe again!

WEEK 9 IS ALL ABOUT MY FIRST AND TRUEST LOVE: MUUSSIIICCCCCC!!!!!

Music is my therapy every single time. It’s quite honestly what saved my life in the days I spoke of, above. I didn’t have antidepressants to help sort out my toxic potion of feelings. I didn’t have parents that cared enough to even KNOW they existed. It wasn’t until some time after my departure that my sister handed my parents my diaries and told them to read them. It was then, when the scares were so fuckin deep that nothing of this world felt capable of healing them, that these people realized my severity and ugly demons.

These two particular songs speak volumes to me.

Though they’re somber and nostalgic, they speak about the hardships that are very real to me… and to our society. They speak about truth that it’s sometimes very dark and challenging. They speak of challenging moments that I’ve encountered and remind me of my resilience.

There’s ALWAYS a reason to fight. Keep searching for it my loves!!! IF you need one, I’ll be right here.

Advertisements

12 thoughts on “Working on Us Week 8-9”

  1. Nova, I’m sorry you’re not feeling well. You give so much to keep us positive and uplifted. I give some of that back for you as well. Wish to have you here with us today and for many more years to come.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m so glad you are still here with us. I’m sorry you’ve not been feeling well. You sharing this will help others who have been there. It takes strength to share such things. You are a strong woman and have overcome so much. There isn’t anything that you cannot accomplish. Many blessings to you. 💕

    Liked by 1 person

      1. You are so very welcome, it’s been so beneficial to me too. I feel so privileged and honored that all of you come here to help, listen, learn, and most of all suppor tone another. It’s helped me a great deal. The experiences, events, everything about this, has given me strength as well.
        I so appreciate each and eveyone of you!! 💗

        Liked by 1 person

  3. I’m so sorry you haven’t felt well over this past week. I do hope you feel better really soon.
    Wow, a doubleheader response! All good, I’m so pleased you join us in a combo of Week #8 & #9… Both significantly heartwrenching to read. But, it’s how life was for you, and all of that happening to you, I’m so pleased that you never left us!!!
    I love both of the songs you shared here, especially, Pentatonix. I don’t think I have ever heard a song I didn’t like from them. Music speaks to us all in so many different ways, and I’m pleased it has a positive effect on you.
    Thank you so very much again for responding to both weeks of “Working on Us”
    Take care of yourself & God Bless You!!!
    💚🎶

    Liked by 1 person

Thoughts?

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.