My Mental Health Journey 16
This comic strip is so relatable. This one, particularly, speaks about my life.
My heart’s so broken. That’s the risk I chose for loving with my whole heart. I knew that risk from the beginning. I accepted it.
Over the last two years and 4 months, little did I know how challenge… How strenuous life would be on my heart… And my mind, for that matter.
I woke up some days questioning my sanity. I woke up some days numb to everything. I cried for hours. I lost weight… More than normal.. From not eating.
This time period wasn’t all bad. There were some great moments, too. Moments of growth. Moments of change and forgiveness. Moments of ecstasy.
His surgery erased memories. His concussion erased so much of the previous 5 months, the months we worked so hard on to rebuild something… And move forward to something that felt good… Felt normal.
Now, like today, as it’s happened repeatedly before, he misinterpreted something I said, and crap hit the fan. It happened so fast… And he was so righteously ignorant to me. He spoke of my faults when clearly he was trying to justify his to himself… And knew they were Ugly. He knew they were wrong… The things he was saying, the decisions he was making.
These decisions were based off of these assumptions about me. He doesn’t remember nearly two years for his decisions to be fact based. That’s what hurt me the most. There’s no one who would have stood beside him and supported him as I have… No one. I can’t go into details, you’d never believe me anyway… But trust me, no one else would have.
Despite his lack of verbally communicating with me… And his lack of memories, he spoke to me as if I was some ignorant bitch. He spoke to me as if he knew my intentions, and what I thought about him. He spoke to me as if I was an enemy…
From his reactions to the conversation, he made changes to this job offer he extended me… One I never asked for. Because it’s within this argument he changed his offer, he knows it’s wrong that he did so… Though he says it’s because of his kids. Everyone was fine before. No one (but me of course but I’m the bitch) felt short changed with his time.
That’s the very issue we’ve always had. It’s the issue that started the war today. I get sick of his absence in my life and he finds a way to make it my fault. He didn’t remember how often this happened since 2017. He therefore couldn’t see how much I deserved to be tired of it… Which is the hurt I was expressing.
I’ve struggled with believing myself loveable since 2014 when my daughters father killed himself. I really took it personally, like I’m incapable of being loved… Or having a healthy relationship… Or accepting it… Or being in a relationship (or marriage) I actually want to fix and fight for… God knows I’ve struggled…
With him, I felt a sense of completion… A sense of direction. That life was finally moving up… And now I question everything… Because a man thought he could carelessly change this job offer as if he’s dangling it over my head… As if I deserve shit. As if I’m going to accept difficulty in my life. As if he’s doing me a favor.
The trust was broken when he allowed personal business to mix with professional… Because I’m not accepting anything from him, while forever waiting for him to suddenly change something again because he got pissy.
I’m just hurt and sad and broken and lost and this is where I am right now. It’s my story right now… And I just need moral and emotional support. I don’t need advice.. Trust me… I’m not asking to be fixed.