Have you ever felt a low that just silences your entire existence?
The one that says “Is this you again, complaining about your woes and dreds? No one cares, especially since today’s a national holiday, remembering those who sacrificed hella lot more than you have… So stop your bitching!”
No? Oh… That’s good! I wouldn’t wish that for you, because it doesn’t feel good.
This spiritual war, the good verses the evil that coexists… Is EXHAUSTING for hsps. As soon as I feel I’m on the upside, a wave of utter disbelief will challenge my foundation of stability.
Right now, I’ve had more doors slammed in my face in the past two weeks than I can remember of a lifetime. The most unthinkable hurtful things I never dreamed of happening are actually happening. The injustice and mistreatment is thick with people’s problems that of which they blame me.
Sure, I accept that when I’m doing well, evil will be a stronger force to reckon with, but so much at once leaves a person shaking with Anxiety. This has for me.
I’m typically super strong. I’m typically the hand that’s lifting others up… Right now, I’m angry and I’m tired. Tired of fighting to justify myself. I’m tired of fighting to get ahead and financially secure. I’m tired of repeating myself. I’m tired of who expecting “loved ones” to treat me like family. I’m tired of questioning myself if I’m a fuck up with something seriously wrong. I’m tired of being the strong one all the time. I’m tired of all this coming at me at once. I’m just tired.
Yes, of course I know this will pass. Things will change. Things will get better. I know I need to apply some self care. I know prayer will help. Right now, in this moment… I just hear my mind saying you have no family. You don’t have any closer friends to visit you. Your complicated love life is because you don’t deserve something normal. You’re not meant to get financially ahead but rather always struggle… And you just suck and no one likes you.
And if I don’t post about my “stuff”, or tag anyone in tweets… I’m invisible. No one asks.. Maybe it’s assumed I’m just ok.