My Mental Health Journey 1

03/28/2019

When I should have been discovering my identity, I was merely trying to survive! I felt everything twice as immensely as anyone else would. I went through the motions, numb and depressed!

During that time, my room was my sanctuary. Being an INFJ, empath, and HSP.. my room felt like heaven! It was MY space… for the most part. My room was filled with “stuff”: cds, books, stuffed animals, exc. None of it felt comforting. None of it felt like it was mine. The ONLY two things I had, the ONLY two things that I recognized as who I was at the time… Was my diaries and my music. From those two sources, I expressed my disappointment, anger, confusion, and frustration. My life felt as if I was stagnant in a five year period of time. I hit a mile markers and my growth stopped.

In 2001, my older brother was a Senior in high school. At home, we all were having issues with him, and it reflected in my character. I didn’t talk with anyone about it. I wasn’t allowed, and I doubted anything would be done about it anyway.

He graduated that May, and was preparing for the Air Force. That was his way “out of the house.” Needless to say, he wasn’t ready for that training. He was too controlled and too rebellious.

Due to misconduct, he didn’t graduate with the others. That’s his story to tell; but what I will say is this is when my depression REALLY turned dark and heavy. The secrets of my family were to remain in my family. My mother didn’t allow for me to talk with anyone about how this huge ordeal was affecting me.

For the next four years, I struggled greatly with living. The negativity in our house laid thick. With every passing year, it got worse. After I broke up with my boyfriend again, my mother only spoke negatively to me. He was a good guy. He deserved someone special. She wasn’t me. I didn’t choose him. I didn’t love him. I didn’t know what love was. I also couldn’t understand why I felt physically ill when he constantly touched me and has to be in my space. I’m Bisexual. I didn’t explore it because that was unacceptable.

I started college and my own rebellion grew. For the most part, I was a good kid. That’s my opinion anyway. By this point, I was tired of being controlled. I was tired of my parents being clueless as to who I was, and I myself feeling that way for that matter. It didn’t go over well with my parents. They knew I lied about where I’d been, but I didn’t care.

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18 thoughts on “My Mental Health Journey 1”

  1. I believe is so brave and outstanding to share your experience and being emotionally naked so you can inspire others! Salute to the person you become despite all this pain and difficulties, I’m sure your kids will be so proud that you’re their mother ❤
    Sending you much love and hugs ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  2. This moved me to tears. I’m so sorry for all of the things you’ve been through. *Big Hugs*

    You are my heroine! You took something painful and turned it into something beautiful. You decided to rise above it and not show the same darkness to others that has been shown to you. It takes courage and guts, and I not only commend you, my dear, I adore you for it! Keep pushing, keep striving, keep sharing your light. YOU are awesome!! ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you my dear friend 💙💙💙 My testimony is an example of what humans ARE capable of when WE decide for ourselves what our lives should be. I’m so eternally grateful for you and your friendship!! Biggest Hugs!!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Aww, well now you’ve moved me to tears twice! I have a smile on my face this time though! You are absolutely right, but you deserve to be commended for it, because not everyone chooses that path. It takes strength! I’m so grateful for you and your friendship as well!!

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Thank you for sharing this with us, it must have been so difficult… I can’t begin to imagine living in your shoes, compared to you I have lived a sheltered life… I’m glad you found the will to carry on, you leave & start over. And I’m glad you continue to ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  4. It’s very brave of you to open up like this. This needs lot of guts. Traumatic childhood can leave very deep scars. I am glad that you have taken charge of your adult life. All the best.

    Liked by 1 person

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