I’m in a new season of life. I don’t feel strong; I don’t feel emotionally capable of sounding ok or writing about all the positivity I have been. The very idea of positivity sounds patronizing to me right now…. But I’m just hurting…. And with hurt comes grief and anger.
What’s going on?
I’m walking… In an opposite direction, alone. I don’t want to, and I don’t know how long I’ll feel this way. I do know that the road feels bleek. The ugliest shades of winter and gray, overcast and cold. Sounds so depressing just to think about. I hope along the way, a front porch light turns on, and a friend will welcome me in. That won’t erase my reality, but it will brighten it.
Walking away is difficult, or everyone would be doing it… Ha, then we’d all look like the apocalypse with aimless wonderers contesting normality and questioning sanity. If that were the case, at least we’d keep each other out from traffic.
I’m walking in the opposite direction, because I’m not happy. I’m walking in the opposite direction because change won’t come unless I make it. I’m walking in the opposite direction in hopes that my message is loud and clear, even if I’m not certain what that is, or if there’s one or multiple.
I am intelligent. I know patterns define the character of a person. I know that I feel heavy, with sadness, rage, confusion, and a million questions. How could I expect myself to walk any road with all of that? Why would I? What’s the point? Life wasn’t made to be lived in such a condition.
Truths are staring me in the face, and they’re painful. It’s a part of life we all expierence, some of us on multiple occasions. I’ve read that pain doesn’t stop until you learn the lesson. That makes sense. The lessons right now are pivotal to my happiness. The truths in what I’m expierencing are evident to me, and quite possibly only me. It’s up to me to stop the insanity… So I changed directions and started walking.