Usually, I’m OK. Even on days when the weight of life is heavy on my shoulders, I can still manage to feel the silver lining. The hope is always there, pulling me through, pushing me to keep going.
Once in a while, I’m not OK. I’m angry at everything. I’m irritable by anything. I feel I’m fighting a war on every front. Sometimes, I just want to hide under the covers with a family sized pack of double stuffed oreos.
The latter is where I’m at right now. No, I’m not ok. I’m tired of being tired. I’m frustrated that other parents look at me with disapproval eyes because my girls aren’t constantly glued to my hip. I’m pissed that a teacher, who is suppose to represent the standards and ethics of our school district, unprofessionally dresses and gossips about my parenting. I’m exhausted trying to get through the walls my boyfriend’s built. I’m tired of sucky Cleveland drivers, and inconsiderate neighbors with dogs.
I’m tired of stressing about not being a good enough parent because I don’t have a washer and dyer, therefore, struggle to do laundry. I’m tired of dealing with the punishment I receive when I ask for help. Whether prayer, money help, laundry help… It doesn’t matter… I always am shot down and have to figure it out on my own.
I’m tired of worrying about how I’m going to buy my girls Christmas, but, I’m trying to keep faith something will work out. I’m tired of dragging both my girls out every morning when it’s just my older daughter who goes to school. I’m tired of the disappointment from people I expect to understand.
I’m tired of feeling uninspired, monotonous, and very discouraged. Right now, everything is a negative experience… And I hate it…. I’m not sure how long this has been going on or what I need to do differently, but I know alls I want to do right now, is sleep.