I had lost thirteen pounds in two weeks. I was rudely awakened by the general consensus regarding others and my need to talk (they didn’t hear me!). I was isolated from a support system, most friends, professional help, and usually the general public. My anxiety astronomically skyrocketed because there was too much unknown. Not only that but there was absolutely NO consistency! I had terrible stomach pains, didn’t sleep much, drank entirely too much coffee…. and made myself feel crazy while “waiting”. The one ray of hope I THOUGHT I had, …. turned out to be a wolf in sheeps clothing. This was the life I had chosen for myself, a life most would’ve abandoned way sooner.
I’m not in that particular “time” any longer, though the aftermath lingers. Being single feels super lonely. I just invested 14 months submitting to a dominant… Now, if you’re not familiar with this lifestyle, please Google it. Needless to say, the submission is completely voluntary because in return, her needs (both in and outside the bedroom) are met. That’s how it’s “suppose” to happen.
Being single means alone… Sleeping, out to eat, nights, weekends, Netflix and Chill, every minute. Sure it’s healthy to be content with being alone. It’s necessary for such time, as well. Trust me, I understand that. There were too many instances over this time when I felt I should’ve had my boyfriend and I didn’t. He wasn’t there to hold me when I didn’t feel good. He wasn’t there to give me a hug when life felt too overwhelming. He wasn’t there to talk and work out our confrontations. He just wasn’t present.
With all of that being said, this was and is the man who’s had the greatest place in my heart. I looked for hope with us. I looked for change, for improvement. I felt that if I saw growth, we were headed in the right direction.
What direction was that?… And this is the error in this whole mess… The direction towards future tense picture of us. He and I were always talking about what we can do now to get to where we want to be. Now, that sounds like what a serious couple should be doing right? That’s something most couples do, and it should be a good sign… But, here’s the problem… Our current life wasn’t how we wanted it, so our goals were rather short term… We were working on this together… Hell, I thought we were even good as to being on the same page! This picture of us was constantly front and center! It’s how we always did it.
The beginning of this year, all that I knew life to be for him and I stopped… Abruptly…
And I wasn’t ready.
….. That alone can develop into PTSD… When so much trauma overwhelms an individual that their mind draws blank… When life as they knew it has disappeared and they don’t recognize this new one… Or even themselves… It changes people.
And I was changed.
I changed in amazing ways…. Seeing strength I never knew existed.
I struggled in other ways… Because I’m an INFJ… And HSP, a Cancer, and a female.
I managed the very best way I knew how…and Despite that, I still fell off the Hope Boat… Occasionally… I blamed myself. I was hard on myself. I was hard on the girls. I combined prescription meds with alcohol. I never went out. I saw my boyfriend sporadically, and our relationship suffered.
I… Suffered…. In silence…
In moments, at night… When I hadn’t any idea what was going on with him… And no one had a clue what was going on with me! You can’t being to comprehend what that was like.
My situation with him was unique… Because I was the “girlfriend”… I didn’t know many of his friends. I knew no one in his family. I wasn’t a mother to any of his children… And I realized how easily overwhelmed he would get… Which meant he was going to continue pushing me away… Because he could.
So, in a moment…. With everything we’ve been through, all of his “past”, that I knew so little about… He pushed me out…. AGAIN.
My mind hasn’t stopped. I’m replaying every argument, every time we were together, looking for the signs, the changes. I feel everything over and over and over again. I’m questioning every piece of this… Trying to readjust myself so I can be better. When my mind isn’t dissecting this nightmare with him, it’s trying to do what’s necessary.
Reminding myself that I’m responsible for my own happiness and contentment. I am nurturing a beautiful version of me..and Identity I worked Hella hard to find… Kind, creative, giving, intuitive, mature… Working on arranging school for Zivah and volunteer work for me.
Life still feels like a blur. I’ve placed distance in between him and me. My anxiety rises just by not being able to text him…. No matter what I’d say. When I consider all of this, I’m not sorry I’ve gone through it… Because it’s a challenge I didn’t fail… And didn’t run from… But, it wasn’t easy…. It’s apart of my story. One most of you had no clue was even happening.
I’m positive, my silence tears and struggling isn’t the only among all us. I’m positive others are trying to make sense of a life changing occurrence, and may not be handling well. We all go through things….
This is why it’s so important to be kind… You never know what an individual is facing at any moment… Or what life will hand to you… For that matter. You will end up needing the same kindness and support you could have extended.
Remember to be kind, aways! – Brandy